Not so Good Memorys of the Past

As I sit here behind this laptop, I now realize that this definitely wasn't the brightest idea I have ever had. I was going to rope a neighbors deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.It wasn't like he didn't shoot and kill them himself.

Now you have to understand this was shortly after I had moved to the bush so cut me a little slack here and there. OK

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my horse feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the horse feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The horses, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up - 3 of them. I picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw.. ..my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it…took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature
off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand,kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

Well They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head -almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal- like a horse - strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the prey.

Ripe Bean Soup

Ripa Schauble Suppe

This is an ole Favorite of mine handed down to me by my Sainted ole Grandma.
What is this favorite Recipe? You might well ask, well seeing that you have asked , It’s Ripa Schauble Suppe. But this is not just your ordinary bean soup made with a can of Campbell’s pork & beans gently sautéed in a rich broth of Scotch, Vermouth and Gin .

No Siree this is different, the dedicated Research Team here at Swallow Central have again spared NO expense in bringing to the world the culinary delights of a bygone age.

This has class, this has schmaltz, this has everything , not only that but it tastes good too. And lord it’s got beans, plenty of beans. So prepare to Toot your horn or toot whatever feels good, and won’t get you in trouble with the law.

Remove clothing Don’t know how to cook with wine you say, Nooo probleemo Swallow is here to show you how.

Once again we need the large canner 20 quart size will do nicely, To big you say, hey we bought a lot of Beans for this and dammit we are going to need a place to put them.

1 Five cups dried red kidney beans. Soaked overnight, To much you say, Hah you ain’t seen nothing yet .
2 The remaining Ten taters left over from the twenty that you bought to make the last soup.
3 Eight large orange carrots
4 Five parsnips
5 Three onions LARGE
6 One large Bassoon, we’ll get to this later. But like it’s really important.
7 Two Bottles of Wine, Cotes du Rhone is nice.

Spices

1 Nine whole star anise ( if you use the bits it looks like you are boiling cockroaches, not cool )
2 Forty one pepper balls , forty might work if you lived in the Andy’s, but you don’t, so PLEASE stick with the first amount.
3 Five Laurel leaves, available at most Toga party’s
4 Three blistering hot dried chili peppers, for that Zing thing.
5 One half cup chopped Dill Weed
6 Parsley what ever amount you have, as unlike Pussy no one really likes to eat Parsley.
7 One glass of wine,

(Meat)

1 One Glass of Wine, see above .

2 Two large links Smoked Farmer Sausage ( farmer removed )
3 One small Smoked Picnic Ham , whole




Dairy

Two Quarts Whole Cream . Gently stroked from the teats of a cute but lonely Jersey cow
1 One pound Butter.
3 One glass of Wine, oh noover minds you get the Ideas.
4 One quart Sour Cream
5 At least One Large Dog, for company

Preparations of aboves goodies stuffs

Boils the beans ins da pot until sort of cooked
Have a sip of Wine
Cut sausage length ways and then into 1/4 “ pieces
Have a sips of Wine
Add wholes Ham to pot
Peel and dice Taters add to pot
Have a sip of Wine
Peel and slice carrots on the bias
Peel Parsnips and add to pot, do not cut Parsnips, just tell people that they are piglet tails.
Have Two sips of da Wines
Add Dill Weed ,Chiles and Parsley
Sit back and be Proud, tell your dog that He/She should be proud of you to, have a sip of Wine.
Let boil on high heat for Four hours stirring constantly while reciting the incantation, ( Beans Beans the Magical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot, the more you toot the better you feel so eat your beans with every meal.)

In small Sauce pan add 450 ml broth add anise and pepper balls , put on slow boil. Add water as required,
Rest, sit back and drink a Bottle of Wine.

After four hours add Sweet Cream , Sour Cream and Butter, and strain Spice stuff into pot, discard spices, Stir.
Remove pork rind and feed to dogs.
Now Have a Large Glass of Wine, Grab the Bassoon run outside and make rude noises while still naked, this will assure that your neighbors will not come over to mooch.

Ladle into bowls and enjoy,
Best with YOU GUESSED IT , A Glass of Wine

Also it freezes very well. Hence the large amounts, as well it does not work to make this on a small scale. The more often it is reheated the better.

Another culinary delight brought to you by the Bird Brained Research Team at Swallow’s Nest Inc. a wholly owned subsidiary of Fly by Night Industries .

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