Tuesday, January 20, 2009

the Awakening

                    The pic is from my Dragons Egg, the Hatching Series of oil candles

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change... or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that neither of you is Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you... and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself... and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself... and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties... and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, whom you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with ... and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK...and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect.

You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone... and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God/dess isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and God/dess by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

Hier stehe ich, ich kann nicht anders.


Penny said...

hey silv

ok this part,

"You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God/dess isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening."

this is my struggle right now.
as this head injury takes it toll on me still, four weeks later.
and I have developed PTSD.
reliving my head hitting, over and over and over, always with a shudder, always sickening.
If I name it, I can deal with it.
Therefore, I have named it
Anyway, this coming hot on the heels of two other incidents, God almighty.

I have been wondering is their some divine conspiracy.

But, I tell myself, it all comes down to "shit happens"

But I like the way that you write it too, 'life happening'

nobody said...

No one else comment please. This was all about me. all about me and how I've learnt that it's not all about me.

Wait. I'll go out and come back in again.

the Silverfish said...

Yeah your right about life not being fair, no wait I said that, but your right for agreeing with me. Always thought you were smart.

However this PTSD thingy is this a self diagnosis or have you been back to see your Dr.? Also have you had the Semi non-Destructive of brain cells CAT SCAN yet and if so what were the results?

If the diagnosis was Dr. generated I will bet you a dollar to a dime that anti depressants will be the first order of the day. And if it is Do yourself a favor and refuse the offer. I mean really refuse the offer as there is no upside to taking them and antidepressants will just make the situation worse. However they seem to be the only thing that is prescribed these days as that is were the money is.

Keep your chin up and always remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, Ok Ok so it’s a freight train headed your way but still it’s a light and it’s always darkest before it gets totally black and Yuh can’t tell the depth of the well by the length of the pump handle and maybe fish don’t like the way we smell either. Pretty profound eh. Wink!

the Silverfish said...

I thought as much cuz I knew it sure as hell wasn't about Moi

nobody said...

Hee hee. Flippancy aside, that was a cracker. I don't think you struck a bum note.

Skye said...

Thanks Swallow, sometimes a person needs a reminder like that!

Penny said...

I figured out the ptsd on my own.

The reoccuring head smash, over and over ,though I am exhausted it plays through my head.

When I fell, I was alone. I can't go out alone, right now.

We went to the mall and hubby walked through this maze of stuff on the floor, people and boxes, I panicked.

It isn't the first time, since the fall.

One other time, people all around me. I just stand there till hubby gets me.
everything looks weird when I get panicky.

I am afraid someone will knock me over, or I will fall again.

Always break into tears when I have to talk about this.

I won't tell my doctor, even my hubby says don't tell him, he will give you anti-depressants.

I don't want them.
I won't take them.
I know this will pass, I just don't know when, how long.
It is frustrating to me.
had the ct scan, but no results till next week as doc is away on vacation.
that sucks.

Penny said...

yah, and like skye said, that silv !

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